Tears streamed down my cheeks as I allowed myself a moment to sink into the weight of it all. One would think receiving 'good news' from the doctor wouldn't leave you reeling, but here I am, spinning. "Negative Margins" they said, and just another biopsy in six months. More of this dreaded 'Wait and see' game.
Back in 2005, I underwent a LEEP procedure for CIN 2, followed by years of chasing abnormal paps. And now, this latest test reveals Adenocarcinoma in situ and CIN 2. The suggested treatment was a cold knife conization (CKC) followed by a radical hysterectomy. As I write this, I'm still recovering from the CKC procedure.
Then came the results: CIN 3 and negative margins. My oncologist suggests a follow-up biopsy in six months. I couldn't help but blurt out, "I thought we were going to do a hysterectomy?" She feels it might be overkill at this point. Tears welled up again. I had come to terms with the idea of a hysterectomy. Now, I feel like there's a ticking time bomb inside me, waiting to see when I'll test positive for invasive cancer.
After years of feeling unheard, I just want it to end. I don't want to live with this thing inside me, waiting to betray and potentially kill me. I cried all day. Having faith in our medical system is a challenge when I see people my age succumbing to invasive cancers that were misdiagnosed.
I'm at a loss for how to feel. Years of sexual trauma had already strained my relationship with my reproductive organs. Battling cellular changes, abnormal paps, and enduring countless medical procedures only complicates matters.
I just want it to be over. I've long stopped asking 'why me?' I've heard too many stories of others in pain to feel alone. I'm grateful for that. Pain doesn't discriminate. But I can't shake the hypervigilance and fear, despite the relief of 'negative margins.'
I hope the intrusive thoughts ease up. I hope to find space for celebration, to breathe easy again soon. As I spill my pain onto these pages, I aspire for them to one day serve as a survival guide for someone out there. I firmly believe that normalizing messy human experiences is what truly liberates us.
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