Living in the Long After

There is an unspoken expectation that after enough time has passed, we should be better now. Healed now. That once the abuse is over and our lives look stable from the outside, the struggle of survivorship should quiet itself. But that has not been my experience.

Even years later, it shows up in ways that are not always visible. For me, it lives in my self esteem, my sense of worth, and my ability to trust myself. I still question my perceptions, my decisions, sometimes even my reality. This continues years after the abuse ended, and it makes sense when I remember that the abuse itself lasted more than a decade, layered on top of what I survived as a child. My body did not know what safety felt like until ten years ago.

I am safe now. My life is good. And still, my body remembers. My mind still questions. Hypervigilance has softened over time, but it has not vanished. It lives here too. Not only in the familiar survival behaviors like checking doors, avoiding social media, watching for cars that follow too long, or circling the block just to be sure. It also lives in quieter places. In doubting myself. In hesitating before trusting my own knowing. In moments where I do not see myself clearly, or at all.

Sometimes I catch myself seeing myself through my abuser’s lens. Measuring my worth by standards that were never mine. Questioning my intentions, my impact, my goodness, because that was once a necessary way to stay oriented to danger. These patterns did not come from nowhere. They were learned in an environment where safety depended on constant self monitoring.

I think many survivors recognize this moment when the immediate threat is gone and there is finally space to breathe, only to realize that the body is still catching up. Survivorship does not end at safety. It unfolds in the aftermath, in the strange and unexpected ways our systems continue to protect us long after protection is no longer needed.

This does not mean we are broken or failing at healing. It means our bodies and minds still remember the strategies that once kept us safe, even if those strategies no longer serve us. When safety arrives late, especially after years of compounded trauma, it takes time for trust to follow. Trust in others, trust in the world, and trust in ourselves.

Healing, for me, has become less about reaching a finish line and more about learning how to live with tenderness toward these lingering responses. About noticing when old lenses appear and gently setting them down. About remembering that my worth was never actually up for debate, even if it still feels that way sometimes.

We are not behind. We are not doing this wrong. We are living in the long after of survival. And there is nothing shameful about the fact that our bodies remember what it took to stay alive.