There Are No Stages of Grief
For many, the notion of the "stages of grief" is deeply embedded in our understanding of loss. We hear it repeated in conversations, see it depicted in films, and even encounter it in well-meaning advice. But here's a crucial truth: these stages were originally created for the dying person, not for the grieving person. Understanding this distinction is essential because grief is not something that happens in neat, predictable stages. It is not linear, nor is it something that we simply "get over." Grief is far more complex, and acknowledging this complexity can be a powerful step toward healing.
The Misconception of Stages
The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Her groundbreaking work was primarily focused on the emotional journey of those facing terminal illness. The model was not intended to describe the experience of those left behind after a loss. However, over time, these stages have been mistakenly applied to the grieving process.
This application can be confusing and even harmful to grievers. When we expect our grief to follow a set path, we may feel lost or frustrated when our experience doesn't match the prescribed stages. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline; it doesn’t fit neatly into a series of steps. Instead, it is a deeply personal and varied experience that can ebb and flow, sometimes feeling manageable, other times overwhelming, and even like we are completely covered in it.
Grief Is Not Linear
Grieving doesn’t happen in stages. It isn’t something you can check off a list and move past. Grief is more like a tide, pulling us back and forth between different feelings and emotions. One moment we may feel a sense of calm, and the next, we are engulfed in sadness or anger. These emotions can surface unexpectedly, triggered by a memory, a scent, or even a song on the radio. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; there is only your way.
Grief is not something that we overcome. Instead, we learn to companion and live with it. It becomes a part of us, intertwined with our experiences and memories. We don’t “move on” from grief; we move forward with it. This process is not about reaching a final destination of acceptance or peace but about integrating our loss into our ongoing life.
The Physical Impact of Grief
Grief doesn't just affect our emotions; it also has a profound impact on our bodies and nervous systems. The heaviness, the sense of being stuck, the exhaustion—these are all manifestations of grief within us. Our bodies carry the weight of our sorrow, sometimes in ways we don't even realize. This can lead to physical symptoms such as tension, fatigue, or even chronic pain.
This is where movement can be a powerful tool. Movement helps us process the stuckness, the heaviness that grief brings. It can be as simple as a gentle walk, stretching, or mindful breathing. These activities can help release the tension stored in our bodies, allowing us to express what words cannot. Movement can offer a way to connect with our grief in a physical, tangible way, providing some relief from the weight we carry.
Companioning Grief Through Movement
When words fail, movement can speak. It can help us navigate the complex and often overwhelming waves of grief. By engaging in mindful movement practices, we create space for our grief to exist without judgment. We allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions that come with loss, without the pressure to “move on” or “get over it.”
Grief is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be lived with. By embracing movement as a companion to our grief, we can find moments of peace and release, even amidst the pain. We can honor the grief that lives within us, allowing it to become a part of who we are as we continue to move forward in our lives.
Grief may never fully leave us, but we can learn to carry it with grace, compassion, and understanding. And in this process, we discover that we are not alone in our journey. Grief is a shared human experience, one that connects us to others and reminds us of the depth of our love and our capacity to heal.
Comments