Grief Is Not Always Love

Grief is raw. It is aching absence, unraveling loss, a weight that shifts but never fully disappears. It can exist alongside love, but to say they are always intertwined is harmful.

Love is love.

I hear people say, "Grief and love are intertwined," "Grief is just love with nowhere to go," "Grief exists because love was real," "The depth of your grief is the depth of your love." These statements may feel true for some, but for many, they erase the complexity of grief, forcing it into a narrative that does not fit. Grief is vast, layered, and deeply personal. It is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and it is certainly not always about love.

I have experienced so much grief that has nothing to do with love. I grieved when my abuser killed himself during sentencing. The complexity of his death unraveled inside me. I felt relief, guilt, an overwhelming sense that I could not even begin to process what had happened. But love? No.

I have grieved losing my mobility at 38 years old. Becoming physically disabled. No longer able to do the things I once loved, watching my world shift in ways I never expected.

I have grieved being mad in a world that does not understand me. The grief of psychiatric incarceration when I asked for help.

I think grief and love can be intertwined, but not always. Forcing this idea onto all experiences of grief is unhelpful at best and harmful at worst. It paints grief into a corner where it does not belong.

Grief does not need to be softened or reshaped to make others comfortable. It does not always stem from love, and it does not always resolve into something beautiful. Sometimes, grief is just grief. And that is enough.

Please stop repeating catchphrases without sitting to think about them. Not all grief is love. Not all grief is longing. Some grief is anger. Some grief is regret. Some grief is relief or something we cannot even name. Instead of reaching for easy answers, let us make space for the full spectrum of grief. Its contradictions. Its jagged edges. Its truths that do not fit into neat phrases. Let us listen without forcing meaning where there is none.